Bipolar Disorder



This is my Biological father and my grandmother. My feelings about my father are very confusing. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, other times I wish I had been close to him, and still other times I hate him and wish I had never known him.

He was very abusive towards my mother. I can remember much of what he did even as young as I was. My mother had to leave him when I was barely two years old. His behavior was really ugly; I still didn't understand. I thought my daddy was lost.

He came back into my life 15 years later after completely disappearing. He showed up on my doorstep one day; he expected to take the place of a father I already had. That wasn't fair to the man that stood by me and raised me. I told Gary as much. It wasn't long that Gary went home and shot himself in the head. I have always blamed myself for that day.

I try to remember that he was not well. That his behavior was probably the actions of a tormented mind. The doctors knew even less about Bipolar Disorder then than they do now. At least he is at peace now.

From what I know of my Grandmother Anna I would guess that she also was Bipolar, but she seemed to suffer more from depression. I have a half sister from Gary that I suspect is Bipolar, but my Aunt will not talk about it. I never lived around any of Gary's family, but here I am carrying on a family tradition. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I passed it on to a daughter, and possibly a grand daughter.

I have this ongoing fight inside my mind as to whether I want a cure or not. I believe the same thing that causes me so much torment, also is what gives me the creativity I enjoy so much. It's kind of a two-edged sword.